Understanding Triggers and Healing in the Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse, a deeply manipulative and damaging form of emotional manipulation, often leaves long-lasting scars. These scars manifest as 'triggers' - specific actions, words, or behaviors that serve as a reminder of past trauma, and often they evoke intense emotional reactions. Having endured such a relationship for nearly 30 years, and now remarried to a wonderful man who has helped me immensely in my healing, I can tell you these triggers can come from out of nowhere sometimes reminding you the healing is not yet done and they can and do significantly impact your current relationships and sense of self.

Analyzing Personal Triggers and the Need for Constant Validation

In my case, I have realized I have a greater need than what could be considered normal for near-constant validation from my partner, a common aftermath of narcissistic abuse. I have learned through counseling that this need often stems from the erosion of self-esteem and trust in one's judgment. And it is typical among survivors of narcissistic abuse. I am hypersensitive to many behaviors that echo those of my ex-husband. This has led to having doubts time and again about my current relationship and even my reality.

A Slap on the Back: A Trigger Point and a Visceral Reaction to a Common Behavior

Recently, I discovered yet another trigger. A few days ago (and a few times before that), my husband slapped me on the back. You know the kind, the one that is akin to a common gesture between buddies. This seemingly innocuous action triggered a visceral reaction in me. I overanalyzed it as a change in his behavior where in the past he most commonly would put his hand on my shoulder or rub my back lovingly or maybe give me a smack on the butt. This new behavior put doubts in my mind since it resembles a very similar behavior exhibited by my ex-husband approximately six months before he discarded me in that relationship. This reaction was not just about the physical act itself but what it symbolically represents for me - a harsh reminder of past hurt and betrayal.

Naturally, my reaction to this behavior and my response was not received well. My husband really could not understand my reaction. We argued over it. It was a me-problem. At the same time, I just wanted his validation that we are ok and that he could understand where my reaction was coming from. Of course, his refusal to acknowledge my hurt made me spiral more since it is a bit of a Catch-22 situation that he will not meet my needs right now. I have to work on that.

The Intersection of Trigger and Reality

That brings me to this point. The challenge in dealing with triggers lies in differentiating between past traumas and present realities. While my reaction to the slap on the back is rooted in past experiences, I must recognize that my husband's intentions were entirely different. The difficulty is in reconciling these two perspectives - understanding my emotional response while also giving space for the present relationship to exist on its terms.

So How Do We Move Forward Towards Healing and Understanding

1. Communication: A Key to Healing

Open communication with my husband about your triggers is crucial. Explaining why certain actions evoke such strong reactions can foster understanding and support within our relationship.

2. Self-Reflection and Therapy

Engaging in self-reflection and therapy is instrumental in processing past traumas. A therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse can provide tools to better understand and manage triggers. 

3. Rebuilding Trust in Self and Others

Rebuilding trust in your judgment and in others is a gradual process. Recognizing that not all behaviors that remind you of the past that signify a repeat of past experiences is an important step.

4. Setting Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries in your current relationships about what is and isn't acceptable for you can prevent misunderstandings and reduce the frequency of triggers.

In the end, understanding triggers after narcissistic abuse is a complex and challenging journey. It requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to healing. By acknowledging your triggers, communicating openly, and seeking support, you can slowly rebuild trust in yourself and your relationships, moving towards a healthier, more secure future.

Here is a selection of good resources* that can help you on your path:

Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

"Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse" by Shannon Thomas - Offers insights into the subtle nature of psychological abuse and a roadmap for recovery.

"Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People" by Jackson MacKenzie - Provides strategies for recognizing and recovering from relationships with toxic individuals.

Building Self-Esteem and Trust

"The Self-Esteem Workbook" by Glenn R. Schiraldi - A practical guide filled with exercises and activities to build self-esteem and overcome the internalized negative beliefs that often result from abuse.

"The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk - While not specific to narcissistic abuse, this book offers profound insights into how trauma affects the body and mind, and pathways to recovery.

Guides on Effective Communication in Relationships

"Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg - Teaches communication skills that foster deep listening, empathy, and honest expression, crucial for rebuilding trust and understanding in relationships.

Self-Help and Therapy Tools

"The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook" by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer - A workbook offering tools and practices for cultivating self-compassion, an essential aspect of healing from abuse and reducing triggers.

"Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy" by Francine Shapiro - Introduces techniques from EMDR therapy that can help individuals process and move past traumatic memories that may be at the root of their triggers.

*Please note that this post contains affiliate links, which means I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you if you make a purchase through them. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.