Understanding Emotional Violence in Narcissistic Abuse

Emotional violence is a form of abuse where the perpetrator uses words, behaviors, or manipulation to control, intimidate, or harm the victim's emotional well-being and sense of self-worth. It manifests in various ways, such as through constant criticism, belittling, gaslighting, isolating the victim from friends and family, and emotional blackmail, often leaving deep psychological scars. In my case, for nearly 30 years, I lived in a world where love and angst were entwined and fraught with all of the above, where my sense of self was overshadowed by the looming presence of a narcissistic partner (lacking in empathy like they all do) with my emotions called into question on the regular. 

The Subtlety of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is an insidious beast. It doesn't always come with visible scars; rather, it slowly erodes your self-esteem, your sense of reality, and your right to your feelings. My partner's charm and charisma masked his need for control and adulation. Over time, his emotional manipulation became my norm. 

The Cycle of Abuse and Love Bombing

The cycle often began with 'love bombing'. This is characterized by an outpouring of affection. As expected, it made me feel special and loved, and was only to be followed by the classic phases of devaluation. Looking back I realize how early in our relationship this manifested with the escalating and near constant belittling comments, gaslighting, and emotional neglect. The apologies and temporary returns to the 'honeymoon phase' kept me in a loop, always hoping for change.

Loss of Self

Living with a narcissist, I lost my voice and my confidence. I doubted my feelings and perceptions, constantly gaslit into believing I was the problem. My achievements were often minimized, my concerns invalidated, and slowly, I began to lose sight of who I was before this relationship.

My experience was peppered with subtle yet persistent forms of belittlement. I was often accused of not being able to take criticism, ridiculing my post-partum forgetfulness, and comparing me unfavorably to my mother, who, contrary to his claims, wasn't 'crazy' at all. My fears and concerns were dismissed as "taking out grief in advance." Even my physical appearance – my short hair, my weight – were a target in particular at the beginning. Finally there was the cruel declaration that I was no longer loved that marked the beginning of the end.

Breaking Free

For years, I grappled with the thought of leaving, but a mix of factors – lack of family support in the U.S. due to the isolation tactics used, a modest income, and deep-rooted fears – anchored me in place. Despite moments of clarity, where the thought of leaving surfaced, the daunting prospect of standing alone, without a robust financial safety net, kept me tethered to the relationship.

The culmination came in the summer of 2019, with what many survivors recognize as 'the discard' – a cold, often unexpected, end initiated by the narcissist. This act is a calculated move, serving as a final assertion of control and disregard for the partner's emotional well-being. Narcissists often choose this path when they no longer perceive their partner as a source of 'narcissistic supply' – the admiration and attention they crave. They move on, leaving their partner bewildered and broken. For further insight into this behavior, here's a comprehensive analysis of the narcissistic discard: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/the-narcissists-discard.

Confronted with his desire to separate, I faced a torrent of emotions: sadness, terror, but also a sense of liberation. When I suggested therapy and was met with refusal, I realized the illusion of our relationship. It was then I called his bluff, pushing for divorce. After decades, the fear of the unknown was outweighed by the unbearable pain of begging to stay. It was indeed a leap into a void, but a necessary step towards healing.

The Healing Process

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey back to self. It involves unlearning the patterns ingrained in me and rediscovering my worth. Therapy was a crucial tool in this process, helping me understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and the impact it had on my mental health.

Leaning on friends and support groups was instrumental. Connecting with others who had similar experiences helped validate my feelings and provided a sense of community. It was comforting to know I wasn't alone in my struggles.

Relearning self-care was vital. I began setting boundaries, something I had forgotten how to do. Saying 'no' became a powerful tool in regaining my autonomy. I indulged in activities that brought me joy and peace, slowly rebuilding my self-esteem. I returned to running and spending time in nature. I painted. I wrote.

Embracing Resilience

Today, I stand stronger. The scars remain, but they are a testament to my resilience. I have learned to embrace my vulnerabilities and strengths alike, understanding that healing is not linear but a continuous journey.

A Message of Hope

To anyone enduring narcissistic abuse, know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, and your experiences are real. The road to healing is challenging but worth every step. You deserve to be heard, to be loved, and most importantly, to love yourself.

Looking back, I see not just the years lost to emotional violence, but the strength it took to break free and heal. My story is one of many, but each one is a beacon of hope and resilience. As I continue to heal, I hope my story can give others the aha-moment to seek help and find their path back to themselves. The journey to healing starts with a single step – the courage to say, 'No more.'

Below are a selection of resources that can get you started on that path:*

1. Books on Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

• "It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People Hardcover" by Ramani Durvasula PhD a clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships and provides a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism

• "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse" by Shannon Thomas. This book offers insights into the phases of narcissistic abuse and practical advice for recovery.

• "Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People" by Jackson MacKenzie. It provides a comprehensive look at the patterns of narcissistic abuse and guidance on healing.

2. Guides to Mental Health Recovery

• "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk. This book explores the impact of trauma on the body and mind, offering groundbreaking insights into recovery paths.

• "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. A guide for those dealing with the aftermath of enduring long-term, complex trauma, such as that from narcissistic abuse.

3. Resources on Setting Boundaries

• "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This book is a classic resource on understanding and implementing healthy boundaries in various aspects of life.

• "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" by Nedra Glover Tawwab. A modern take on setting and enforcing boundaries, with practical advice for maintaining mental health and well-being.

4. Self-Compassion and Self-Care

• "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff. This book delves into the importance of self-compassion as a crucial aspect of healing from emotional abuse and trauma.

• "The Self-Care Prescription: Powerful Solutions to Manage Stress, Reduce Anxiety & Increase Wellbeing" by Robyn L. Gobin. It offers actionable advice on integrating self-care practices into daily life to improve emotional and physical health.

5. Journals for Healing

• "Start Where You Are: A Journal for Self-Exploration" by Meera Lee Patel. This interactive journal encourages self-reflection and personal growth, supporting individuals in their journey towards healing and self-discovery.

*Please note that this post contains affiliate links, which means I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you if you make a purchase through them. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.