On setting boundaries and guarding your self-confidence while co-parenting with a narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner is akin to navigating an obstacle course where your every step is scrutinized and potentially used against you. This delicate dance is further complicated when you strive to set healthy boundaries, especially when it involves saying no to your child's requests. The challenge is not just the act of refusal but the looming fear that your 'no' might be weaponized to undermine your relationship with your child.

That is my reality on the regular. The other day my 11-year-old daughter, who had only hours earlier left to be with her father for their week, called me to ask if I could share the cost of a birthday gift for her friend. It might seem like a simple enough request, but it's layered with complexity. I recalled buying the last gift entirely on my own and decided that, since it's her father's week, he should handle this expense. This decision, though rational, triggered a whirlwind of emotions and second-guessing. I worried and asked myself: Will this refusal be twisted to portray me as an uncaring parent? Will it shake the fragile confidence I have been rebuilding post-divorce?

In such situations, it's essential to be reminded though that setting boundaries is not only about saying no; it's about establishing a framework for your own role as a healthy and sustainable parent. It's a difficult but necessary step in protecting your emotional well-being and demonstrating to your child the importance of respect and responsibility. For me, it sounds like learning kung fu sometimes.

Here are some helpful strategies though I try to keep in mind in navigating this complex terrain:

1. Communicate Clearly and Compassionately: When you say no, explain your reasoning to your child in a way that is age-appropriate and devoid of any negative sentiments towards their other parent.

2. Stay True to You: Remember, each decision you make is a reflection of your values. By staying true to them, you are teaching your child important life lessons.

3. Avoid Overburdening: Children should not be made to feel like they are in the middle of their parents' conflicts. So tricky, but be mindful of how you communicate your decisions.

4. Build a Support System: Surround yourself with friends, family, or professionals who understand your situation and can provide you with the emotional support you need.

5. Document Everything: Keep a record of your interactions and decisions. This can be useful if your ex-partner attempts to use your actions against you.

6. Foster an Open Relationship with Your Child: Encourage your child to speak openly about their feelings, whether it is with you or a trusted ally. This helps in building trust and understanding.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed: Don't hesitate to seek counseling or legal advice if you feel overwhelmed by the situation.

Some additional resources can include*:

Books on Co-parenting and Narcissism:

• "Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You" by Amy J.L. Baker and Paul R Fine. This book offers practical advice on navigating the tricky waters of co-parenting with a difficult ex-partner.

• "Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family" by Karyl McBride. A guide for understanding and managing the impact of divorcing a narcissist.

Self-Help Books for Personal Growth and Healing:

• "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This book can help anyone struggling to set healthy boundaries in personal relationships.

• "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life" by Susan Anderson. It's especially useful for rebuilding confidence and healing after a breakup with a narcissistic partner.

In the end, your primary goal is the well-being of your child. Sometimes, this means making tough decisions that might not be immediately popular but are in their best interest in the long run. Trusting your instincts and standing firm in your decisions is part of the journey of healing and growth for both you and your child. Remember, you're not just surviving narcissistic abuse; you're learning, growing, and teaching your child to do the same.

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