Have you ever heard of latent violence?

I didn’t. Not until last year. Discovering the concept of latent violence was like finding the missing piece of a puzzle I didn't know I was putting together. Thirtyish years ago, I was 19 having a conversation with my boyfriend, later husband, who held the belief that it was sometimes ok to slap or physically respond to a woman if she was "too loud" or “too much” in an argument—a value he inherited from his father. This red flag, disguised as a mere "difference of opinion," was in fact a harbinger of latent violence, a concept I only grasped in retrospect.

Latent violence, I learned, is a hidden threat, a dormant volcano of sorts, encompassing not just physical altercations but also emotional and psychological abuse. It's the controlling behavior, the veiled threats, the isolation tactics. It's there, even if you don't see it, like a poltergeist in a room, influencing behaviors and instilling fear.

For 27 years, this invisible force shaped my marriage. It made me tiptoe around conversations, muted my voice in disagreements, and instilled a fear that speaking too loudly could awaken the beast of aggression. Later when I did begin to voice disagreement, it triggered a cycle of explaining myself that usually ended in an argument after which I was forced to take the blame and apologize for getting upset.

This latent violence broke its silence one day in 2016 when an argument landed me in a chokehold against the kitchen wall. This pivotal moment was both terrifying and enlightening. It forced me to start questioning the very foundations of my marriage.

Yet, despite this alarming wake-up call, I remained in the relationship, uncertain of where to go (with three young children and a low-paying job) and still undervaluing my worth and independence. This incident was not just an isolated act of aggression; it was the culmination of years of latent violence that had lurked beneath the surface of our relationship.

However, the following year, after a series of couple's counseling sessions that, regrettably, only deepened my sense of blame and inadequacy, we participated in a marriage renewal ceremony for New Year's 2017. This ceremony, instead of being a fresh start, felt more like a reaffirmation of the skewed dynamics of our relationship.

As 2018 unfolded, the divide in our marriage became more pronounced. It was a year marked by growing distance and an increasing realization of the emotional neglect I was enduring. By mid-2019, the feelings of being unloved and overlooked were undeniable. It was during this period that the full extent of my husband's narcissistic traits revealed themselves, culminating in what I now understand was his ultimate act of discarding me.

This discard, while painfully jarring, was also a crucial turning point. It dramatically illuminated the reality of my situation, helping me to begin to see the years of latent violence and emotional manipulation for what they were. This realization was a significant step in my journey towards self-discovery and healing, marking the beginning of my path towards reclaiming my self-worth and independence. A journey supported enormously with the help of my husband now who I also met four years ago.

It took a few more years and a lot of counseling that I finally became acquainted with the notion of latent violence. But in learning about it, I found the words to give additional voice to my experience and the strength to call it out. It's essential to heed the early warnings, to listen to the unsettling whispers of your intuition that you might doubt. It's about recognizing the potential danger in what seems to be harmless values and knowing that seeking help and creating a safety plan is not just important—it's vital. This knowledge, however painful, is powerful—it's a voice for the voiceless, a warning for the unwary, and, most importantly, a beacon of hope for those who think they're alone in their silent battles.

The journey of understanding latent violence is akin to navigating a labyrinth, where each turn reveals a deeper layer of complexity and hidden truths. My personal experience, intertwined with the sinister subtlety of latent violence, was a revelation. Initially, I perceived my ex-husband's remarks on physical responses in arguments as mere differences in upbringing. However, this perspective was a naive underestimation of the profound implications of his beliefs, which were deeply rooted in a cycle of abuse passed down from his father.

This insidious form of violence, veiled under the guise of 'values,' gradually seeped into the fabric of our relationship. It manifested not just in the fear of physical harm, but also in the way it shackled my spirit and voice. I found myself walking on eggshells, my words measured, my tone moderated, all to avoid igniting the latent aggressiveness I had unconsciously acknowledged.

In recognizing and naming this latent violence, I began a journey of healing and empowerment. I learned that understanding such hidden dynamics is crucial not just for survivors, but for anyone in a relationship. It's about recognizing that violence is not always overt, that it can be a slow poison, eroding safety and self-worth. My story, painful as it is, serves as a testament to the resilience of human spirit and the power of knowledge in transforming victimhood into survivorship. It's a reminder to listen to the faintest whispers of warning and to seek help, because in understanding and confronting latent violence, we find the strength to break free from its chains.

Here are some additional resources that can provide insights into recognizing latent violence, the journey of healing from abuse, and the empowerment that comes from reclaiming one's voice and self-worth:*

1. Understanding Latent Violence and Narcissistic Abuse

• "Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life" by Evan Stark. Stark's work sheds light on the subtle forms of violence and control that can dominate relationships, offering readers a framework to understand and identify latent violence.

• "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book provides insights into the patterns of behavior exhibited by abusive partners, helping readers recognize the signs of latent violence.

2. Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

• "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse" by Shannon Thomas. Thomas guides readers through the healing process, addressing the unique challenges faced by survivors of subtle and covert abuse.

• "The Journey: A Roadmap for Self-healing After Narcissistic Abuse" by Meredith Miller. Miller offers strategies for recovery, focusing on self-healing and empowerment after experiencing narcissistic abuse.

3. Empowerment and Reclaiming Self-Worth

• "Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself" by Shahida Arabi. Arabi empowers survivors with strategies to overcome narcissistic abuse and reclaim their lives.

• "You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse: The #1 System for Recovering from Toxic Relationships" by Melanie Tonia Evans. Evans provides a comprehensive guide to moving beyond survival and truly thriving after escaping from abusive dynamics.

4. Creating Safety Plans and Seeking Help

• "The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker. While not specifically about latent violence in intimate relationships, de Becker's book emphasizes the importance of trusting one's intuition and recognizing the early warning signs of danger.

• "The Domestic Violence Survival Workbook: Self-Assessments, Exercises & Educational Handouts" by Ester R.A. Leutenberg and Carol Butler, MS Ed, RN, C. This workbook offers practical tools and resources when navigating the aftermath of domestic violence, including latent violence.

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