Hacked Routers and a Haunted Heart

It's been over 27 years, and yet the shadow of my past with a narcissistic psychopath, my ex-husband, looms over my present. The journey through and beyond this relationship has been nothing short of a psychological maze, filled with manipulation and a perpetual sense of being watched. Post-divorce life and the challenges of co-parenting our three children haven't offered the respite I hoped for. The pain of having two of my children alienated from me is a constant reminder of the enduring influence of narcissism.

I'm far from being a tech expert, which only adds to my unease. Some evidence suggests my ex might be hacking into my router. (I found a new one* that eases some of my worry.) His background in GDPR security and admissions of using the dark web to dig into my current husband's past only heightened my suspicions. It's not just paranoia; our home security cameras have a curious habit of malfunctioning precisely when we're away. And then there's the gnawing fear that my 11-year-old daughter's phone might be bugged with spyware, an anxiety I can't shake off.

In response to these fears, I've transformed my home into what feels like a guarded fortress. Seven surveillance cameras stand as silent sentinels, guarding against the unexplained occurrences that have become all too common. But the battle extends beyond just physical security measures. It spills into the digital realm where I find myself in a relentless cycle of resetting routers and changing passwords every other week. It's a ritual born out of necessity, a stark reminder of the invisible chains that still link me to a past I'm trying to leave behind.

Yet, in the midst of this, I've been walking the path of healing. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey with no clear end. There's no ultimate moment of liberation, no final shedding of the past. The scars are deep, and sometimes it feels like there's no complete escape from them. It's a daily struggle, a perpetual confrontation with ghosts that refuse to be fully banished.

To cope, I've learned a few strategies. I've sought professional help, which has been a beacon of clarity in the murky waters of my experiences. I've surrounded myself with a network of friends and family whose understanding and support have been invaluable. Mindfulness and self-care, through practices like meditation and yoga, have helped manage my anxiety. I've also taken steps to educate myself about basic cybersecurity*, empowering myself to protect my digital presence as best as I can.

Documenting everything suspicious has become second nature to me. These records are essential, especially if legal actions become necessary. Setting clear boundaries, particularly in my co-parenting interactions, has been crucial. And amidst all this, I've learned to focus on what I can control, be it my home's security, my personal well-being, or the positive relationships I nurture.

This healing journey is far from linear. It's a path marked by setbacks and victories, moments of despair, and flashes of hope. The struggle is indeed real, but so is the strength that comes from surviving and fighting back. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a testament to my resilience, a step towards reclaiming my life and peace.

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